...I'm Chuck Bass

(Serena to Blair: What’s Chuck doing today?)

(Blair to Serena: Why are you asking me?)

(Blair is free to focus

on the most important

event of the fall:

her annual sleepover.)

Welcome to the Upper East Side.

Little Jenny Humphrey manages

to get my pants off—

and have me not enjoy it.

Quite the accomplishment.

Well, hello, angel.

Beautiful…and mean?

I’ve got chills. 

Care to dance with the poor devil?

You’re getting warmer, 

which is an achievement

because you’re already hot.

If I was your man, 

I wouldn’t need clues to find you.

I’m Chuck Bass.

Look, anyone who trades in

their trust fund for a fanny pack

flies in the face of all that is 

holy to Chuck Bass. 

If it cost more than 10 grand, 

it earns a proper name.

Everyone out there wants to be us.

We are what you aspire to.

You’re gonna tell me that the life

of a YouTube filmmaker

is better than this?

There is no outside world 

that I do not show you. 

Stop talking.

Start partying.

I’m Chuck Bass.

…a little wake & bake?

Hello to you, too. 

…heard about all those

mouth guards and short skirts. 

I hope somebody filmed it. 

Women like to pretend

they’re complicated. 

I know better. 

I’m a bitch when I wanna be. 

Defending my country?

There’s a future I never imagined.

So…this is your bed, huh?

You can repay me later. 

Oh, don’t get your La Perla’s

in a bunch—

I’m Chuck Bass.

That’s enough, ladies—

I’ll be sure to tell my father

how committed you are

to the hospitality industry. 

Unless you have

a reason to be here, 

I’ll have to ask you

to wait on the curb

with the rest of the trash. 

So, you slept with your

best friend’s boyfriend—

I kind of admire you for it.

I told you—

better a broken nose

than a broken heart. 

So little time, 

so many sluts to defend.

Here’s the key 

to my suite, his heart, 

and your future happiness. 

I’m honored to be playing

even a small role

in your deflowering. 

I’m Chuck Bass.

Have a glass of champagne. 

Please. We’re closing the kitchen early. 

You think I don’t know why 

you left town?

It’s a party. Things happen.

I think you’re more like me

than you’d admit. 

There’s something wrong

with that level of perfection. 

Dating forever. 

That’s a dark thought. 

Look. Easy, Socrates—

happiness does not seem

to be on the menu, 

but you’re entitled

to tap that ass. 

Let’s catch up, 

take our clothes off, 

stare at each other—

I’m Chuck Bass.

-jamie agnello

(pilot episode)